just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
There r osticjed everywhere
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
