Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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