stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
