goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
