Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
