College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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