I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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