So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
