I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
