I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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