dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
