Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
