She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
