man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
