i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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