You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
