God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
