it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
