We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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