Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
