Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
