lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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