Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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