i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
