i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
