i wish peter jackson would direct porn
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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