in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
