No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
