I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
