he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
