I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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