she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
