I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
