She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
