Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
