Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
