I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
