You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
