Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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