I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
