I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
