either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
