don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
