Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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