Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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