It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize