I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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