There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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