theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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