I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
