Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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