apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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