Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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