I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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