she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
