It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize