sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
What a dumb baby whore.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
