Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
