i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize